Tag Archives: Woman

#2: Yes, I really AM a Lesbian!

Okay, so this is something that really ticks me off. I tell someone that I am gay and then I usually get the same responses: “Are you sure?”, “You just haven’t met the right guy.”, “No you’re not, your too feminine to be a lesbian.”. “You look too straight to be gay.”, “It’s just a phase.”, “You’re just looking for attention.”

WHAT?

Why would I make something like this up? To the guys who are interested: I am not just playing it up to get you to go away, or to get your attention. I really am gay. Really. I am 100% lesbian, I will never be with a guy. Ever. Gross.

I look really girly so many people assume that I am straight. Seriously, even other lesbians have accused me of being straight. I. Like. Boobs. Soft skin, gentle touches, whispers, being able to compare periods. Maybe I took that too far, I am just a really open book. I like being able to discuss things with my partner without having to worry about grossing them out. I might be making it worse.

I have had so many experiences of men who think that when I tell them that I am a lesbian, that it is a challenge to their masculine prowess. Seriously?

I was sitting in City Limits one night and a guy approached me. He asked me incredulously: “You’re not a dude are you?” … I responded “Um no, but I am a lesbian.” Him said with a smirk on his face: “Oh, okay, that’s fine then.” My hope was that he would understand that it was Gay Night at the Utah County Bar.

I let it go at that, he seemed a little drunk already and I really didn’t think anything about another drunk guy acting like an ass. I went back to playing pool with my friends. A little while later he walked past me while I was aiming and grabs my ass. NOT OKAY.

First: If I tell a guy I am gay, it means: leave me alone, I am not interested, I like women! Second: It is NEVER polite to grab a girl (or guy) that you do not know! It is just rude. Third: don’t piss off a shy girl who has been abused by men in the past.

I followed the ass outside and confronted him. “Excuse me?!?” I exclaimed.

He had the audacity to laugh and tell me: “I didn’t do it, someone else did.”

I took a deep breath and decided: instead of giving in to the rage I was feeling, I would be the bigger person and try to ignore him for the rest of the night. I could feel my anxiety rising and fought the anger that was unusually accompanying it.

Now, This is super frustrating. My whole night was brought down because some jerk thought that me being a lesbian was an open invitation for harassment. My friend applauded my self-defensive gumption to confront my harasser. I didn’t feel like I had been strong. I thought later about how I should have reacted differently… But when he approached me later in the night I was not going to have any more of his behavior.

Loud enough for the amazing drag queens near me to hear I announced, “Back off and leave us alone.” (he had been harassing other girls in the bar that were with us.) He advanced. I shifted my stance and said louder “Back the #### off!” The DJ’s wife heard me and stepped between us and the advancing man. She pulled herself up to her intimidating (short) height and glared. “Back off, these girls are with me!”

We laughed about it later, but I shouldn’t have to be on the defensive when I am out. (This guy even had his girl friend there. Seriously? Do you know what respect is?.)

That is not even the worst thing that has happened to me. I had an old man tell me once that I just needed a more experienced dick. EW! What the hell? Being a lesbian does not mean that … just… NO! *shudders*

I have girls jealous of me because they think that I am just making up the whole “Lesbian” thing to get closer to and steal their boyfriend. WHY would I do that? Why would I chose to be bullied, harassed, and looked down on just to get closer to your boyfriend? I don’t mind being friends with decent respectful men. But the rest of it, more power to you. I. Don’t. Want. It. Keep it.

Being told that I am not really gay is my most common frustration, though, as shown above: not my only one. I am also currently living in Utah, which isn’t inherently bad. As with everywhere else, there are more accepting people and there are jerks.

It is really too much though. After taking so long to discover myself (See the Femme Post) I will not let anyone else try to force me back into the closet.

Because I love me.

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Confession 1: I am a FEMME

First, let me define what a FEMME is in my world. A Femme is a lesbian that ENJOYS being a woman in all the ways. Make-up, dresses, feeling sexy, doing all the girly things. This does not mean that any other “genres” of Lesbians don’t enjoy being women. Studs can enjoy being a girl as well, they are just typically more “masculine” then Femmes.

Every single person is different. Gay, straight, in between: I don’t care. Each person has their own way of defining themselves. Though Labels are very un-helpful in most things… I think of myself as a Lipstick lesbian. I love dressing up, I love wearing make-up and making other girls stare at me. However; I really like fixing things. I love my power tools.  I was in a long relationship in the past with someone that I would have considered a stud. She was very dominant, very masculine… But I was “Mr. Fix-it” in the relationship. I fixed everything, I built furniture, I also cooked, cleaned, crafted.

I’m not sure if I am creating any sense of my thoughts. Let me take a few steps back and talk about my life for a minute. . .

I grew up in Utah, smack-dab in the middle of Mormon-ville. That is not necessarily a bad thing. Some Mormons are perfectly nice. But most of them that I knew were very judgmental. They lived hypocritical lives of “love your neighbor…unless they are different”. I didn’t even know what gay was!

I lived such a sheltered life in Utah—I am ashamed to admit it but I didn’t know what black even was. There was one girl in my school that was black and we all thought she was from India—I didn’t know anything. I was raised on a diet of judgment and the unknown. My life was confusing and I couldn’t keep friends…

To try to help you understand who I am: In Jr High I told everyone who asked “There are no bully’s in my school.” I truly believed that… Because I thought being abused was normal. There was a girl in my grade that went out of her way to try to make my life a living hell. I’m serious. She would do whatever she could to torment me and my friends. There were so many things that she did—I cannot remember them all. But one event I remember very well was when she called me a Lesbian.

I had no idea what in the world a Lesbian was. She came into the class pretending to kiss her best friend. She saw me looking and said in a very jeering way “You are such a lesbian” Of course I denied it. I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t know what I was… I just didn’t know.

By the time I was in high school I was convinced that I was “Bi-Curious” (The problem with this, was that I was never really attracted to men, but I was taught that happiness was a man and a woman. So I tried to force it.

I had a lot of online relationships because they were safe. There was no real way to have to be “romantic” in person. And then I had a couple boyfriends from school. The first one scared the shit out of me. The one time we hung out he told me “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”  I wanted to vomit. I couldn’t even imagine doing anything with him. I felt so sick and I wanted to run away. He didn’t force himself on me… I was lucky then. He followed that up with a story about how he was so proud of throwing chairs at teachers. RED FLAG!!! I couldn’t even break up with him in person. I was terrified of him. I thought that if I made him upset that he would kill me.

My second boyfriend was my first kiss. My friends thought it was so weird that I wasn’t attracted to anyone… So I created an attraction to a friend of a friend. I thought he would be okay. He was nice and kind of odd. But then he wanted to keep kissing. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe and fear overcame me. I dumped him for it, and for attempting to have sex with me.  Gross.

I spent a long time after that staying away from people. I had to create a crush later in my High School career… But I’m fairly certain that he was gay.

By the time I had admitted that I was actually attracted to women, I was about to graduate… and I STILL was telling everyone that I was “Bi”. I had my first girl-friend. It was amazing… and terrible. Neither of us was ready for anything serious… She was full of self-hatred… and I was broken. . .

I had been raped and I hadn’t told her.  I lived in Michigan and she lived in Utah. I had met her while visiting a friend. In between visits I was taken advantage of by a friend. I don’t need to talk about it. If you want to know you can watch my slam-poetry about it. I don’t NEED to tell my story any more than that. I have already allowed myself to be angry and not “at-fault”.

Regardless. Freshman year of college was still confusing. I went to Hollins University. An all-women college that existed in what I can only describe as a “Lesbian Bubble”. These women were fantastic in helping me learn to accept myself. As I went back and forth with my “girlfriend” I made friends that accepted me. Times changed and I finally admitted to myself that I was a lesbian. I questioned for a while what that meant.

Did that mean that I had to be dominant? Did being a lesbian mean that I had to do this or do that to be happy? No. I could still be myself. And then I met my “EX”. She was perfect. We fell in love and we had our ups and downs. But she was mine and I was hers. Life was okay for a while. After two and a half years, we got married.

We are not married anymore because of things that I did not know. But I think I have gotten a little off topic. I was discussing why I am a Femme.

I am a FEMME because that is just WHO I AM. I can’t change who I am, heaven knows I’ve tried. If I could choose who I was, I would not choose to be gay. I did not “Decide” to be gay for attention or to be cool. When I think back, I have liked girls since I was three years old. My first love was another girl in daycare. She asked me to tie her shoes and I couldn’t say no. But I have always been girly. I like having my hair done. I like looking pretty. I like dancing. I like being me.

Just let me be me.

As a last note: Not all Femmes like studs. I do. But, as I have said before, everyone is different. Studs can like other studs and femmes can like other femmes. Studs can be submissive and femmes can be dominant. Just because I fit certain stereotypes, does not mean that all Lesbians are the same. I am unique and I will always be.

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