Tag Archives: Relationship

Response to the new LDS policy on Same-sex parents.

I was prompted to share the thoughts that I shared on facebook.

Pulled from the article through LDS Deseret News. While this does not generally affect me individually — Unless my father starts to think this means disowning his children (again, yes he has done this before for less specific doctrine) It is still wrong.

”  “a natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may not receive a name and a blessing.” Although children are not officially considered members of the LDS Church until they are baptized at age 8, the blessing of a child creates a membership record

The handbook addition also states that “a natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting,” can only be baptized, confirmed, ordained to the priesthood or serve a full-time mission with approval from the Office of the First Presidency. A mission or stake president may request approval and determine that: “the child accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the church, and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage”; and “the child is of legal age and does not live with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship or marriage.”  “

What this means to LGBT LDS? If you have children with a same sex partner. OR if you had a opposite-sex marriage and later a same-sex partnership or marriage, than your children CANNOT be an LDS member. ALSO you will be “disciplined” by the church.
While many members believe that disavowing the practice of same-gender marriage is for themselves only. If you continue, the child had to be of legal age and not living with a parent who has.

And I ask, HOW IS THIS NOT PUTTING RELIGION BEFORE FAMILY.

Growing up, I was raised LDS. We were taught to love one another and to love and accept our neighbor regardless of differences. (older it was “If you neighbor is not LDS, try to force them to go to church with you. We will give you candy if you bring someone new to church.” Bribery is not religious.)

This to me is not showing love or respect. It is not showing putting the family first. It is not supporting family at all.

According to teachings, God created us all. I was born gay. My first crush was when I was 4 years old. My first love was when I was in 3rd grade. Though being brought up LDS blinded me to what my feelings were. I have NEVER ONCE BEEN ATTRACTED TO A MAN.

This does not mean that I do not want children. It does not mean that I do not want love. My father assumed that my being lesbian meant that I was Promiscuous. HA! I have only had sex with two people. One of them I was MARRIED TO!!!!!

As a lesbian, I am just like any other woman. I want love, I want a family. My life isn’t controlled by sexual feelings. I tried for a damn long time to convince myself that I was straight and it almost killed me.

So no, What I am feeling is not a sin. If I were to believe in your god, I would live knowing that GOD MADE ME GAY AND LOVES ME BECAUSE I AM NOT AFRAID TO BE MYSELF OR CONDEMN OTHERS FOR ACCEPTING THE GIFT THAT GOD GAVE THEM.

If you are going to hardheartedly support this new ordinance, than please remove me. My LDS friends posting how “Accepting” and “Tolerant” that this is. You are blind to your faith. I am not “Over reacting” and I am not “reading too much into it”. I read it all. I did my research. I was not affected first by my peers. I Read this from Deseret news, not fox news.

This makes me extremely GLAD that I am not LDS. Because a loving god, a benevolent god, or a family oriented god, would NEVER have asked this of his children.

I believe that this is inherently WRONG. And I am not saying that out of anger. I am saying this because of how people are reacting to it.

Family first always.

There are families already tearing apart because of this. One parent trying to make sure that the other parent will never see their children again because of this.

The friends I am referring to. You know who you are as we have had issues in the past.

LDS SUPPORT

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Letter to my Father for Father’s Day

It started with a card… It starts that way every year. Each year I try to write in a limited amount of space my feelings for the man who raised, abused, and doesn’t fully accept me. . .

This year went a little differently. I couldn’t figure out how to get my thoughts out on such a small amount of white space.

The card read:

“It’s Father’s Day, do relax and take it easy! … If you still remember how, that is. Have a Good One!”

With the note:

“Dad, 6/18/2015

It looks like we still have a long way to go. Our current relationship is still rocky… I know you love me, however, I need your acceptance of my life. I do see what effort you put forward, I really do… But you still have the wrong idea of who I am… And I am still afraid to talk to you openly.

Please read my letter.

XOXO

I love you. Happy Father’s Day

<3/ The Daughter that needs to know she is Accepted for who she is.

*My name removed”

What follows is the four page letter that I wrote to him and placed inside this card. I hope this time he took the time to “listen” and understand what I meant…

“Daddy,

There is much that I want to say, though I know that I have said some similar things before, I really need you to take the time to read and understand what I am saying. It is really important to me that you read everything that I have written here in this letter. And remember, I love you.

Recently (Fall of 2014) a study was concluded about homosexuality. For hundreds of years homosexual people have lived with the ridicule of being called “unnatural” in their way of life. This study proves something about this statement. It is wrong. According to a study published by Psychological Magazine (a credited scholarly journal) Two regions of the human genome were located that have specific patterns as compared to the rest of the human genome. These patterns were found on the X chromosome and on chromosome 8.

While this biology may seem complicated—and truly is—It is a major scientific breakthrough. However, this study only covered homosexual males. This study was even talked about by the Huffington post.

To further counter the argument of homosexuality being unnatural, we take a look to the animal kingdom—our closest neighbors. While it was widely assumed that humans were the only species exhibiting homosexual behavior, we find with research that really isn’t true. Mammals alone have at least 21 species that openly exhibit homosexual behavior. This list includes—but is not limited to—bears, rats, cats, chipanzee’s, dolphins, elephants, horses, Lions, and raccoons. Among birds there are over 8 species and in fish there are over 15 species. Reptiles, over 30, Amphibians 4 documented, over 60 types of insects and, at least 8 kinds of other invertebrates. In total that is over a whopping 150 species on earth that show homosexual behavior.

According to BBC.com: “Animals have been observed engaging in same-sex matings for decades.” … “Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection implies that genes have to get themselves passed on to the next generation, or they will die out. Any genes that make an animal more likely to engage in same-sex matings would be less likely to get passed on than genes pushing for heterosexual pairings, so homosexuality ought to quickly die out. But that isn’t what’s happening. For some animals, homosexual behavior isn’t an occasional event-which we might put down to simple mistakes-but a regular thing.”…”in one population…31% of the pairings are made up of two unrelated females.” … “Homosexual behavior doesn’t change Darwin’s ideas, instead there are many ways it can evolve and be beneficial.”

So in saying, it would come to mean that homosexuality, while genetic, is a recessive gene, able to be passed along the gene pool until a child inherits this gene. However, even two people that are fully homosexual (ie. A homosexual man who donated sperm to a homosexual woman so that she could have a baby) does not necessarily mean a homosexual child.

Let me try to make this a little simpler to understand. My mother is a red head, neither of her parents and none of her immediate grandparents had red hair. She herself did not produce any pure red-heads of her own. Let’s say that she had married a red head as well. There is a slightly higher possibility of her producing red-headed children, but because of how the genes are inherited, it is actually MORE common for those children to NOT have red hair at all.

I feel that I need to clarify some things about being a lesbian. First an explanation of the LGBTQ etc. people.

Lesbian: a woman who is sexually attracted to women and may romantically love a woman.

Gay: a man who is sexually attracted to men and may romantically love a man.

Bisexual: An individual who can be sexually attracted to either gender and can have romantic love with either gender.

Transgender: An individual who was born in the wrong body. Psychologically they are the opposite gender of what they were born as. Some of these children were even incorrectly identified as the gender that they were meant to be while in the womb. These people are immensely unhappy and generally unhealthy until they decide to become who they were meant to be.

Queer: a term used to describe anyone who does not fit in to society’s binary definitions of what life “should” be.

So let me explain to you where I am in all of this. I am a lesbian; this does not mean that I want to be a man. It doesn’t mean that I want to just have sex all the time. It does not mean that I am abnormal, evil, promiscuous, or seeking attention. I just love women.

You told me once—yes I still remember every word—“I feel that if you keep going in the direction that you are going, that you are going to pass up the perfect man.” I don’t think you realized how much those words hurt me. I have never once been attracted to men.

I am going to share something with you that I have only shared before in vague and short snippets.

When I was 3 or 4 years old and in day care at F*’s, I had my first crush. How could this be acting out, small crushes are completely normal in childhood. She was so sweet and I was smitten. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, I just knew that I couldn’t tell her “no”. She asked me to tie her shoes once, and because I couldn’t tell her no, I ended up tying her shoes in several knots… She proudly showed them off to everyone, and I was so happy…. Until F* made me sit in time-out for 15 minutes for pulling a mean prank—it wasn’t meant as such.

In second grade my friends did something very mean. Three of the girls decided that we needed to play tag; the four of us and J*. What I didn’t know is that they had talked him into playing kissing tag, so that he would kiss me. They knew that I wasn’t comfortable with boys. When he tried to kiss me I smacked him and went and hid in the older kids playground where we weren’t supposed to go. I was hurt that my friends had done this, and I was thoroughly disgusted with boys at all.

In third grade, there are two events. The first one, I fell in love for the first time. She was so amazing. Bright red hair and would rip a head off of any snake that tried to bite me. Of course, I still didn’t know what I was feeling and got confused when she moved away and my heart broke. The other incident is that I was friends with a boy, S*… and we were good friends. Until the class made teasing jokes about us dating by singing that damn tree song. I was so disgusted and nauseated that I punched the innocent S* in the face.

6th grade, I fell in love for the second time in my life. A new girl transferred into my class. She was so beautiful and talented and smart… And I had to keep a dark secret for her because I was afraid of losing her. You know who I am talking about, but I am leaving her name out. I found out that she had feelings for me too, but not until very much after everything was long gone.

Senior year of High School I finally started to figure myself out. I realized that I was attracted to women (which explained why no males were attractive or all that interesting.—I did date some because my friends kept telling me that it was weird, and other people had boyfriends’, so I followed their example.)

As a note, you should remember that I dated A*, when he kissed me, I dumped him. You can ask him about that one.

I finally met someone that I knew that I cared about. And she cared about me too. It was the happiest time of my life… Up until I got raped. I do have PTSD because of that situation. A year later, I met C*. We spent three years together. I don’t know if you realized that. Besides money issues, the schizophrenia, and the abuse that the schizophrenia caused, I wasn’t unhappy. It was amazing and I truly loved her.

Also, I have only had sex consensually with two people. And I have only been raped by the one. I am NOT in any way promiscuous. Nor am I a bad example to my sister. Hell, I think sometimes she is a bad example to me and she has said as much to me. That stink XD. Also, keep in mind that she is a teenager and it is normal for her to push boundaries. I did, but no one really gave me any limits. I was also a strangely well behaved child/teen. I didn’t steal, do drugs, have sex, or deface anything. I DID go out past curfew a couple times (to sit with my friends and talk, seriously, the only thing we ever did was report someone paintballing a school in Springville.) and I ran away twice when I needed a friend and to be away from stress. AND it was only ever just down the road, not even a mile. So please don’t compare me to my siblings. At all, it is not fair to any of us to do that.

My life is nothing like porn. Many people seem to believe that it is. This is part of the reason why Chris’s parents were so rude to us. Even in my relationship with her, we hardly had sex, and we were married. I need you to understand that I am not evil and I am not just sleeping around. I DO go to clubs and dance. But that is to be around people that love me for who I am and will support me as a person. I might wear some clothes that are a little more revealing, but mostly that is because it gets damn hot!

So, now you should know what my community means to me. My community is not a group of people going around and telling people to do bad things. It is love. It is a family. These people have been there for me through a lot. I have actually gotten a lot from them. Friendships that will last me forever, a hug anytime I see any of them, calls and messages to see if I am doing okay… I know this isn’t fully clear, but it is an amazing family atmosphere.

I went to Salt Lake Pride with my gay family. I marched in the parade wearing a shirt proclaiming Provo LGBT community family. I received so much love from being there. I was really close to losing myself before I found all these people in my life. And even if you cannot accept them, they helped save my life and kept me going. Without some of these people I would not still have been fighting to the point of even surgery. I would have given up.

Moving on to another point, I’m not unhappy because of my choice of religion. In fact, I never felt any spirituality while I was attending the LDS church. Now, I am not going to go into detail about my chosen religion, I would like to request—again—that you please do not give me religious gifts or preach to me. I know that it is your belief and I will respect that. I will even let you give me a blessing if you believe it will help me get healthy. But it is not something that I believe at all. Religion is a personal thing and I do not believe that there is any right or wrong religion. As long as it is bringing positivity into the lives of its believers and it is not causing anyone or anything physical harm. Just know that I found what makes me feel spiritual and it is about respecting all life.

My life is an amazing kaleidoscope of individuality and the people that I chose to be a positive part of my life. My life is made up of who I am and how I have grown. Just because I am a lesbian, it doesn’t mean that I will not give you grandchildren. My life choices have not taken you out of my life. They almost did for a while, because of certain things that you had pushed me to. But I forgive because I love you.

I know that right now you do not understand everything that I am… I just hope that one day you will be able to accept me for who I am 100%. My marriage would not be something to “rub in your face” but a manifestation of who I am and what I plan to become. I hope that when I find another partner, that you will be there enough for me that I feel comfortable even asking you to walk me down the aisle.

I want you to be a part of my life. I want to be able to call you up and talk to you about anything. Currently I cannot do that.

When I was little, you were my favorite person in the entire world. I would wait by the window, watching for the work trucks because I couldn’t wait to see my daddy. And now, half the time I feel like you couldn’t care less about me.
I am so thankful for the steps that you have made in trying to still be in my life. I know that you love me and always will. I will never forget that. But, what I need is for you to accept me and support me in my life. I tried for a long time to be the daughter that you desired and it almost killed me. That part of me will never change. I will always be gay. Always. And I hope that you continue to be a part of my life.

I love you daddy. Happy Father’s Day.
Love,
Your Daughter”

~The Resident Femme~

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#3: Living a lie

When I got married, I thought that I was going to be happy for many years to come. I didn’t expect to have my marriage removed from record eight months later. My wife and I had been together for over three years. It felt like an eternity and I couldn’t love her any more than I did.

Now… I feel that my situation is somewhat unique, or at least I haven’t heard of anyone else being in this situation. And finally telling the story is really hard. It is almost as hard as it was to finally tell about what really happened when I was raped. But I digress… This isn’t something that I have been able to easily share with just anyone, hell, usually I just lie about the situation all together. I don’t want the pity and I also don’t want the non-understanding judgement.

When I first met my wife, I had no idea that she was so amazing and unique. Our first several months were amazing, we were glued to each others sides as often as we could be. Eventually I found out about her “secret” I never thought it was abnormal at all, I thought it made her more interesting. My wife felt like she was both female and male. Half of each gender. And yet, I still loved her.

As a Lesbian, I don’t know how to love a man. I tried for several years, before coming out, to convince myself that I was straight. I struggled with accepting myself or even the idea that I could be different. I was raised Mormon in Utah. I didn’t even know that it was possible to be different.

My first girlfriend was exciting, new, different, and a wild ride. She is a good person, and I don’t regret the time that we spent together. She is a great friend now, and one of the few people who understand my situation.. Hell, she understood before I did what was really going on.

The first year I spent with my wife was amazing, new relationships generally are. We had adventures and fell deeper and deeper in love with each other. Life was the best that it had been.

Like everyone, we had our bumps. We had arguments and fights, but nothing huge. We shared many experiences and met many friends together. And still, I didn’t see anything amiss. Anything abnormal was brushed aside. And we continued to care for each other.

Several months into year two something strange happened. My wife wasn’t acting like herself. She was very down and nothing I did could cheer her up. I cuddled her in the guest bed–where she had curled herself up–until I got too nauseated and had to go lay in our own bed. (I had been sick). Later–I don’t know how long–She came in and laid behind me. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my shoulder. She whispered to me: “I love you so much, I just had to hold you.” Something felt wrong. Time seemed to stop for a moment as her arms tightened around me and then released. She sat up and said quietly, “I don’t think we can be together anymore.”

I couldn’t breath. I watched as the woman I loved walked out of our apartment. I didn’t comprehend what had happened at first, and then when I did I panicked. I couldn’t think and I am sure that several people were upset with what happened that night. Most of it, I don’t remember. I was crying in the shower–burning hot water–until it became ice. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think. My cat became worried and also agitated. He couldn’t understand why his mommy was acting so oddly.

Our cat was to be neutered in the morning, and part of me was afraid that she would come while I was sleeping and take him and never come back. I wasn’t thinking rationally, I couldn’t.

When she showed up to get the cat the next day I insisted on going too. I couldn’t really talk, so I made comments about the cat, he was afraid.

I cannot say that I was proud of the behavior that I exhibited when we got home. Some part of me was deliriously desperate. How could I make her stay? I actually tried to use sex to make her change her mind. She took advantage of it, but still wouldn’t tell me why things had happened. We worked out an arrangement of both of us staying in our bed together.. but separate. (we had something separating the bed in half).

I became lost. Now, the details of what happened in the couple of months that we were separated are not pretty, but I am not trying to make myself seem like a better person and I am not trying to make her seem worse in any way. I am just trying to get the truth as I remember it out. I am not the same person that I was, I have grown, and She isn’t the same person either…

Things happened that are kind of blurred together. But, near thanksgiving or Christmas she finally talked to me. She had been feeling apathetic. She had not been experiencing any emotion at all and didn’t know if she ever would again. So she had broken up with me so that I could eventually find someone that would give me the love that I deserved. A few days later she came to me crying and said that she wanted to try to make things work. She felt something, but she didn’t know what yet… No promises.

For a long time I forgot this time, my mind blocked it out and it was like it had never happened, we were together again. Nothing else mattered.

Life seemed to return to normal. We lived, mostly happily, together with our cat. And I still didn’t notice anything strange going on.

I started a new job in the new year and was excited to be helping again with life… And then I didn’t know what was happening. I woke up one morning in pain, I couldn’t breath, I thought maybe I had to use the toilet, but collapsed on my way to the bathroom. I lay on the floor crying. My wife helped me back into bed and tried to help me throughout the day.

The second day wasn’t as simple. The pain had not gone away. I was hurting in my abdomen and I was starting to get scared. It hurt so bad that I was throwing up. My wife got frustrated and accused me of pretending to be sick so that I wouldn’t have to go to work. This behavior was strange, but I didn’t notice. I was in too much pain to care what she was saying. Eventually I begged to be taken to the hospital.

The doctor ran blood tests, urine tests, imaging… My wife had to go and help some friends while I was waiting for results. I told her that I would be fine waiting. I was a cupcake (*note: they had pushed my morphine too fast and I was high), and everything was good for a while. Until I heard the doctor talking to someone out in the hallway in hushed tones. “growth…more tests…centimeters….”

Now, I am going to tell you now that during this time of my life panic came easily. I had a hard time keeping up with rational thought. I was young and had lived a life that was not a great environment for emotional growth… So I immediately thought I had cancer. I didn’t tell her. I held my phone in shaky hands for a long time, but I didn’t text her, I didn’t call her. I couldn’t do it.

She got back just in time for the doctor to come in and tell us that he was going to order more tests–confirming that he was, in fact, talking about me in the hall. I made a passing remark to my significant other and pretended, unsuccessfully, that it didn’t bother me. I was going in for a pelvic (vaginal) ultrasound.

My wife stopped thinking that I was faking it. She held my hand and gave me words of love and support. We waited for a long time for the doctor to come back and talk to us. It wasn’t cancer, but it wasn’t relieving. Cysts. I had large ovarian cysts on both the inside and outside of my ovaries. They believed that one (or several) had burst and caused the pain. I was given a prescription for narcotics and sent home.

Because of the missed work days from being home sick and hospital trips, I was fired from my job. My wife was upset and insisted that I find another job. I started work a month later as a retail representative. I enjoyed it. It got me out of the house and driving around new areas getting good work done. I could schedule several jobs in the week and get decent pay. It was fantastic.

I did this job until a family emergency came up at the end of that September. I had to put my job on hold and fly from Virginia out to Utah with little notice. My savings went to the trip. I had to be there for my family.

Now, before I went my wife had agree’d that I should go. It was an emergency after all. But, after I was there she was mad at me. I didn’t understand how she could go from understanding one minute to infuriated the next. Again, I ignored what was going on and put it up to just being loneliness because I was gone.

But things didn’t really get back to normal. While I was gone she had skipped work. The apartment was a wreck. And she was not acting like herself. Every little thing started to become a fight. Strange things started to happen. One day she started yelling at me about dishes and I couldn’t take it any more. I had too much stress on me. So I let my OCD take over. I tuned her out and started to count and organize cards.

Eventually she stopped yelling and was loading the dishwasher, but I didn’t know. I was hyper-focused. She went to do something else and came back to talk to me. But I couldn’t hear her, I was still in the cards. And then she was poking me in the arm, again and again like a child. I was still frustrated and hurt when I turned to her, fixed her with a glare and asked what she wanted.

She was confused. She didn’t know why I was upset, she didn’t remember fighting, she didn’t remember doing the dishes, she was just confused. To her, I was being strange because everything was fine to her. I started to worry.

Then she started to have blackouts. They would happen all the time and usually she wouldn’t believe what happened during them. Sometimes they were like she was gone, and for a while we thought that she had something called “Absence Seizures”. But then she would do things and not remember any of it. She would tap her hands in the air, talk to herself, get aggressive…

Then the hallucinations came. She would tell me about the man that watched her from the end of the bed, and the seagulls that were in our bathroom. She couldn’t remember when we had sex or that she would get violent. One night I had to pin her down and cried as she told me about the people in the walls that were coming for her. But she never remembered or believed me… So I stopped telling her.

I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk to her about hospitals a couple times and she would get angry. I started to get scared, but I told no one. I didn’t tell me when she would black out and start to choke me during sex. I didn’t tell her when she threw me against the wall. I didn’t tell her when she talked about pealing my skin off. Those things weren’t important.

Everything in my life was put on the back burner because taking care of her was priority. One night everything changed. She was gone. I saw insanity staring out at me from behind her eyes. The look was so intense. She pinned me to the bed and laughed(she was much stronger than me, especially during episodes). She told me that nothing mattered anymore. That money meant nothing. She tried to convince me that we should run away to Florida, buy a last-minute cruise ticket and have the time of our lives. Then she grinned and I shook in fear. “And then,” She said “When we get back, I’ll kill you.” Her nails dug into my wrists. “And then I will kill myself. It will be so fun.”

I fought. I got an arm away and struggled to reach my phone. It was taken by her and thrown across the room. I rolled and curled into a ball over my tablet and shakily wrote out the email that changed my life forever. I told the one person that I trusted 100% what had just happened. I couldn’t censor, I was too scared. I cried as my wife tried to turn me over. When I finished the email, I shoved my tablet under the pillow and turned back over and just wrapped my arms around her, begging her to come back to me.

When she came to she didn’t know why I was crying. When I tried to tell her she wouldn’t listen. I MUST have been making it up. She turned her eyes away when I showed her the marks on my wrists. “But I’d never hurt you.”

Within all of that, we got married. We had traveled up to DC and made it official in March 2013. By May things had gotten scary and only one person knew. I got a few emails from my friend asking me why I was in such a dangerous situation, to get out while I could… But I didn’t know how. I NEEDED to take care of my wife.

And I didn’t know that I could ask for help.

My wife attempted suicide July 6th, 2013. My life was a living hell. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was living in pure anxiety. There was no control and I was scared about what was happening. I should have known, I should have done something more, I should have saved her, I should have…, I should have…, I should have…

To me, it was all my fault. I should have seen the schizophrenia and done something more. I knew it was there, didn’t I?

Everything went down hill from there. She was convinced that I was abusive and left me to go back to parents that didn’t love her. Her female half had long since died and she had decided that it was time to transition into a man. HIS parents disowned him. They said that their child was dead, which wasn’t true. Their child was still there, but their daughter was gone.

Over the years that I spent with him/her I watched the woman I loved slowly disappear. It didn’t register directly of course. Yeah, I guess I noticed that I was more unhappy and that we had more fights… She had become aggressive and abusive, but I didn’t see it clearly.

I ignored all of that. Some part of me had known that something was wrong. That she wasn’t there and that I had to take care of her. Maybe some part of me thought that I could bring the woman that I loved with everything I was back.

I pushed myself very hard. Everything was put on the back burner except taking care of her and trying to make her happy. I got very sick and as time went on, I got sicker… And still, I struggled to help her find her stability.

I didn’t realize how afraid I was of this person that I no longer knew until the day I sent the email. I didn’t realize until then that the woman I loved was gone completely. Forever. The woman that I loved, was dead. And my heart, soul, and sanity were shattered by a very, very sick man. All that was left of the shell of my love was the half that I didn’t know how to love.

And this is so hard because the physical body still exists, but the person does not.

And to some people I come across as ignorant because all people see is the facade. The frustration that I had with the male part of this equation. In the end, wife became a man.

I am left with the confusing feelings of morning the loss of a friend and lover–because my wife really is dead, she will never be back. And having to deal with the male half still existing, the body of my love still walks in this world and it hurts, and it’s confusing. I don’t love who the body is, but the person that was in it.

And still, people aren’t going to understand what I mean. I fully support the transition and hope that my ex can find happiness. I really truly do. but they are different people, my wife and this man that is now there.

It has been a year and a half and I still miss my wife. When things were good, she was amazing. I just hope that with all of this people can understand that what I am going through isn’t a “break up” but a mourning.

I will probably never stop missing her. I will never fully heal from the loss. But I have moved past the point where I struggle and fight with the confusion. I know that she is gone. Just… Please try not to judge me when I get emotional about it. My situation is not mundane. It’s complicated… and I can’t keep living a lie.

~Luna

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