It started with a card… It starts that way every year. Each year I try to write in a limited amount of space my feelings for the man who raised, abused, and doesn’t fully accept me. . .
This year went a little differently. I couldn’t figure out how to get my thoughts out on such a small amount of white space.
The card read:
“It’s Father’s Day, do relax and take it easy! … If you still remember how, that is. Have a Good One!”
With the note:
It looks like we still have a long way to go. Our current relationship is still rocky… I know you love me, however, I need your acceptance of my life. I do see what effort you put forward, I really do… But you still have the wrong idea of who I am… And I am still afraid to talk to you openly.
Please read my letter.
I love you. Happy Father’s Day
<3/ The Daughter that needs to know she is Accepted for who she is.
*My name removed”
What follows is the four page letter that I wrote to him and placed inside this card. I hope this time he took the time to “listen” and understand what I meant…
There is much that I want to say, though I know that I have said some similar things before, I really need you to take the time to read and understand what I am saying. It is really important to me that you read everything that I have written here in this letter. And remember, I love you.
Recently (Fall of 2014) a study was concluded about homosexuality. For hundreds of years homosexual people have lived with the ridicule of being called “unnatural” in their way of life. This study proves something about this statement. It is wrong. According to a study published by Psychological Magazine (a credited scholarly journal) Two regions of the human genome were located that have specific patterns as compared to the rest of the human genome. These patterns were found on the X chromosome and on chromosome 8.
While this biology may seem complicated—and truly is—It is a major scientific breakthrough. However, this study only covered homosexual males. This study was even talked about by the Huffington post.
To further counter the argument of homosexuality being unnatural, we take a look to the animal kingdom—our closest neighbors. While it was widely assumed that humans were the only species exhibiting homosexual behavior, we find with research that really isn’t true. Mammals alone have at least 21 species that openly exhibit homosexual behavior. This list includes—but is not limited to—bears, rats, cats, chipanzee’s, dolphins, elephants, horses, Lions, and raccoons. Among birds there are over 8 species and in fish there are over 15 species. Reptiles, over 30, Amphibians 4 documented, over 60 types of insects and, at least 8 kinds of other invertebrates. In total that is over a whopping 150 species on earth that show homosexual behavior.
According to BBC.com: “Animals have been observed engaging in same-sex matings for decades.” … “Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection implies that genes have to get themselves passed on to the next generation, or they will die out. Any genes that make an animal more likely to engage in same-sex matings would be less likely to get passed on than genes pushing for heterosexual pairings, so homosexuality ought to quickly die out. But that isn’t what’s happening. For some animals, homosexual behavior isn’t an occasional event-which we might put down to simple mistakes-but a regular thing.”…”in one population…31% of the pairings are made up of two unrelated females.” … “Homosexual behavior doesn’t change Darwin’s ideas, instead there are many ways it can evolve and be beneficial.”
So in saying, it would come to mean that homosexuality, while genetic, is a recessive gene, able to be passed along the gene pool until a child inherits this gene. However, even two people that are fully homosexual (ie. A homosexual man who donated sperm to a homosexual woman so that she could have a baby) does not necessarily mean a homosexual child.
Let me try to make this a little simpler to understand. My mother is a red head, neither of her parents and none of her immediate grandparents had red hair. She herself did not produce any pure red-heads of her own. Let’s say that she had married a red head as well. There is a slightly higher possibility of her producing red-headed children, but because of how the genes are inherited, it is actually MORE common for those children to NOT have red hair at all.
I feel that I need to clarify some things about being a lesbian. First an explanation of the LGBTQ etc. people.
Lesbian: a woman who is sexually attracted to women and may romantically love a woman.
Gay: a man who is sexually attracted to men and may romantically love a man.
Bisexual: An individual who can be sexually attracted to either gender and can have romantic love with either gender.
Transgender: An individual who was born in the wrong body. Psychologically they are the opposite gender of what they were born as. Some of these children were even incorrectly identified as the gender that they were meant to be while in the womb. These people are immensely unhappy and generally unhealthy until they decide to become who they were meant to be.
Queer: a term used to describe anyone who does not fit in to society’s binary definitions of what life “should” be.
So let me explain to you where I am in all of this. I am a lesbian; this does not mean that I want to be a man. It doesn’t mean that I want to just have sex all the time. It does not mean that I am abnormal, evil, promiscuous, or seeking attention. I just love women.
You told me once—yes I still remember every word—“I feel that if you keep going in the direction that you are going, that you are going to pass up the perfect man.” I don’t think you realized how much those words hurt me. I have never once been attracted to men.
I am going to share something with you that I have only shared before in vague and short snippets.
When I was 3 or 4 years old and in day care at F*’s, I had my first crush. How could this be acting out, small crushes are completely normal in childhood. She was so sweet and I was smitten. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, I just knew that I couldn’t tell her “no”. She asked me to tie her shoes once, and because I couldn’t tell her no, I ended up tying her shoes in several knots… She proudly showed them off to everyone, and I was so happy…. Until F* made me sit in time-out for 15 minutes for pulling a mean prank—it wasn’t meant as such.
In second grade my friends did something very mean. Three of the girls decided that we needed to play tag; the four of us and J*. What I didn’t know is that they had talked him into playing kissing tag, so that he would kiss me. They knew that I wasn’t comfortable with boys. When he tried to kiss me I smacked him and went and hid in the older kids playground where we weren’t supposed to go. I was hurt that my friends had done this, and I was thoroughly disgusted with boys at all.
In third grade, there are two events. The first one, I fell in love for the first time. She was so amazing. Bright red hair and would rip a head off of any snake that tried to bite me. Of course, I still didn’t know what I was feeling and got confused when she moved away and my heart broke. The other incident is that I was friends with a boy, S*… and we were good friends. Until the class made teasing jokes about us dating by singing that damn tree song. I was so disgusted and nauseated that I punched the innocent S* in the face.
6th grade, I fell in love for the second time in my life. A new girl transferred into my class. She was so beautiful and talented and smart… And I had to keep a dark secret for her because I was afraid of losing her. You know who I am talking about, but I am leaving her name out. I found out that she had feelings for me too, but not until very much after everything was long gone.
Senior year of High School I finally started to figure myself out. I realized that I was attracted to women (which explained why no males were attractive or all that interesting.—I did date some because my friends kept telling me that it was weird, and other people had boyfriends’, so I followed their example.)
As a note, you should remember that I dated A*, when he kissed me, I dumped him. You can ask him about that one.
I finally met someone that I knew that I cared about. And she cared about me too. It was the happiest time of my life… Up until I got raped. I do have PTSD because of that situation. A year later, I met C*. We spent three years together. I don’t know if you realized that. Besides money issues, the schizophrenia, and the abuse that the schizophrenia caused, I wasn’t unhappy. It was amazing and I truly loved her.
Also, I have only had sex consensually with two people. And I have only been raped by the one. I am NOT in any way promiscuous. Nor am I a bad example to my sister. Hell, I think sometimes she is a bad example to me and she has said as much to me. That stink XD. Also, keep in mind that she is a teenager and it is normal for her to push boundaries. I did, but no one really gave me any limits. I was also a strangely well behaved child/teen. I didn’t steal, do drugs, have sex, or deface anything. I DID go out past curfew a couple times (to sit with my friends and talk, seriously, the only thing we ever did was report someone paintballing a school in Springville.) and I ran away twice when I needed a friend and to be away from stress. AND it was only ever just down the road, not even a mile. So please don’t compare me to my siblings. At all, it is not fair to any of us to do that.
My life is nothing like porn. Many people seem to believe that it is. This is part of the reason why Chris’s parents were so rude to us. Even in my relationship with her, we hardly had sex, and we were married. I need you to understand that I am not evil and I am not just sleeping around. I DO go to clubs and dance. But that is to be around people that love me for who I am and will support me as a person. I might wear some clothes that are a little more revealing, but mostly that is because it gets damn hot!
So, now you should know what my community means to me. My community is not a group of people going around and telling people to do bad things. It is love. It is a family. These people have been there for me through a lot. I have actually gotten a lot from them. Friendships that will last me forever, a hug anytime I see any of them, calls and messages to see if I am doing okay… I know this isn’t fully clear, but it is an amazing family atmosphere.
I went to Salt Lake Pride with my gay family. I marched in the parade wearing a shirt proclaiming Provo LGBT community family. I received so much love from being there. I was really close to losing myself before I found all these people in my life. And even if you cannot accept them, they helped save my life and kept me going. Without some of these people I would not still have been fighting to the point of even surgery. I would have given up.
Moving on to another point, I’m not unhappy because of my choice of religion. In fact, I never felt any spirituality while I was attending the LDS church. Now, I am not going to go into detail about my chosen religion, I would like to request—again—that you please do not give me religious gifts or preach to me. I know that it is your belief and I will respect that. I will even let you give me a blessing if you believe it will help me get healthy. But it is not something that I believe at all. Religion is a personal thing and I do not believe that there is any right or wrong religion. As long as it is bringing positivity into the lives of its believers and it is not causing anyone or anything physical harm. Just know that I found what makes me feel spiritual and it is about respecting all life.
My life is an amazing kaleidoscope of individuality and the people that I chose to be a positive part of my life. My life is made up of who I am and how I have grown. Just because I am a lesbian, it doesn’t mean that I will not give you grandchildren. My life choices have not taken you out of my life. They almost did for a while, because of certain things that you had pushed me to. But I forgive because I love you.
I know that right now you do not understand everything that I am… I just hope that one day you will be able to accept me for who I am 100%. My marriage would not be something to “rub in your face” but a manifestation of who I am and what I plan to become. I hope that when I find another partner, that you will be there enough for me that I feel comfortable even asking you to walk me down the aisle.
I want you to be a part of my life. I want to be able to call you up and talk to you about anything. Currently I cannot do that.
When I was little, you were my favorite person in the entire world. I would wait by the window, watching for the work trucks because I couldn’t wait to see my daddy. And now, half the time I feel like you couldn’t care less about me.
I am so thankful for the steps that you have made in trying to still be in my life. I know that you love me and always will. I will never forget that. But, what I need is for you to accept me and support me in my life. I tried for a long time to be the daughter that you desired and it almost killed me. That part of me will never change. I will always be gay. Always. And I hope that you continue to be a part of my life.
I love you daddy. Happy Father’s Day.
~The Resident Femme~