I have started reading some other blogs and I stumbled upon this post about why thin isn’t always good, and though it isn’t the same as my situation with weight, it is still something that I feel strongly about.
For much of my life I tried to gain weight and sat at a very unhealthy underweight number. I ate as much as I could and still couldn’t gain any weight. My father threatened me on several occasions to take me to the hospital and have them hook a feeding tube to me. (Though as an adult, I know that it wouldn’t have done anything, nor would the hospital actually have tried anything at that point.)
I was teased constantly for being skinny. My nickname in Jr. High was Toothpick, I was told “You’re so skinny, I can see right through you.” and “Sorry, I didn’t see you, you were turned sideways.” Or other such things that people thought were harmless, but actually really hurt.
I always felt tiny and incomplete. Then I would have these girls struggling to lose weight telling me to shut-up because I had the perfect body and they wanted to look like me, and I was just begging for attention, and I would feel worse. I was always insecure in my body, until I started gaining a little weight. I didn’t feel attractive until I hit 116 lbs.
I was moving apartments and saw myself in the reflection of the outside glass door and thought “Damn, I look good!” with an immediate follow up, “What the hell? I never think that.” When our scale was unpacked I was euphoric to see that I had finally put on some fat and muscle.
When I was growing up–and she is not going to agree with me, but–I thought my mother was the most beautiful woman alive. She was my mommy and I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to have her gorgeous red hair and her beautiful woman curves. I wanted to cry every time she told us (my siblings and I) that she was fat.
Oh, I argued with her. “No, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful.”, “You’re not fat, you’re mommy.” etc. etc. When she was younger she had been thin like I was… and then she had been in a motorcycle accident and broken her back, then she got pregnant. And, well, things added up and she started to gain weight when she had children.
I have never seen my mother as anything other than beautiful. I don’t see her as fat. I do worry about health problems that run in the family, but I don’t think I could ever picture my mother looking now as small as I am and still being my mom. I’m not sure that I said that how I meant it to come out… but… My mother is beautiful how she is.
Right now I am over 130 lbs. I had surgery two months ago and a few weeks ago I had a moment where I was self-conscious about my body. I had a serious moment where I asked myself “Do I look chubby in this dress.” and I wanted to slap myself. I am not chubby. I have a little bit of bloating still from the surgery, and a small amount of fat from being sedentary for such a long time (due to physical health issues). So, instead of letting those thoughts plague my mind, I went out in that dress. I danced and got complimented, and wore myself out much more than I should have done.
I slept for two days, but I don’t regret buying the dress.
My point here is that girls shouldn’t be feeling the need to starve themselves to feel “beautiful”. Secret? Today I felt very exhilarated when I looked down at myself, my left hip popped out, my body leaning over, and saw that nice little bump of woman curve bulging over. Women’s bodies are meant to have a little more to them.
There is something called “Baby fat”, not how you would normally consider it. Look at a woman’s stomach–any normal, non-anorexic, but still skinny woman (this is just to prove a point, bear with me; even as skinny as I was, I had this too). There should be a nice layer of fat right over the abs; just enough to pinch. This is supposed to be there.
Many women will use this small amount of fat to tell themselves that they are not skinny enough. Important fact: That layer of fat is there for a reason. It is there in case you get pregnant. It is there as a way to start feeding a fetus during the early stages of pregnancy. (And some claim that big butts help in the development of larger brains in later stages).
Now, if you have a fuller figure, that’s not necessarily bad. Women are born with different shapes. I have a friend who has a small bone structure and a friend with large bone structure and then I have a friend with a health disorder that makes it so that it is very hard for her to lose weight. She has several things passed on from her family, which I am not going to disclose as I have not gained her permission.
There are many reasons to have, or not have, weight. Genetics (including what you can and cannot eat), health/illness, injury, mental health, stress, the list goes on and on.
I will say this. Even though I am attracted to slightly thinner/fit women, when things ended with my ex, she was almost 200lbs and we did not separate for her weight.
Do not base all of your self-worth on your weight. You are worth so much more.
Smile and hold you head up high! Because you are you and THAT makes you beautiful.
The Resident Femme